Four

I found out on Thursday that my fourth pregnancy in the last 15 months, would not be a viable one.

A positive pregnancy test Monday, a low HCG beta result on Tuesday and the news of a dropping hormone level by late Thursday.

I knew in my heart that something wasn't right when that first HCG came back at only 8.5. I went through the motions of trying to hang on -- progesterone supplements, upping my folic acid intake, no more caffeine, all of it -- but I didn't get attached and by Thursday I was hearing what I already knew to be true. That this one wouldn't stick. Just like the others.

I had come to a crossroads. I needed to make a decision about how I was going to handle this. And that was just it...I realized I had a choice. That had never been clear to me with my previous losses. I always felt so overwhelmed with sadness that the thought of taking control of my emotions wasn't even on my radar. I was busy grieving, but even more so, feeling sorry for myself... feeling entitled. Life's not fair, why me, the standard bullshit of mourning. Not this time.

Of course I'm still sad, mostly disappointed, but I know that my body can do this. I just have to remember that and keep fighting for my baby.