"My friends struggled with infertility. I know how hard it is. That's why I decided to donate my eggs."
That's one of the tag lines for a commercial urging women to donate their eggs. And it totally made my blood boil.
Now let me clarify, I don't normally get irate over sympathy. In fact, I'd like to think that on the spectrum of those with IF, I fall more on the "she doesn't make me feel like shit for trying to support her." What made me angry was how the statement was used. Not only is it completely untrue, but it just felt so exploitative. It was belittling the fact that one of the biggest hurdles women with infertility face, is knowing their family and friends typically don't understand. It was using a healthy, fertile woman's point of view as a means of empowering egg donors. That's awesome. Egg donors help tons of women conceive healthy babies. But did you need to pretend like the reason she decided to donate was because she really gets it?
Because she doesn't.
This sort of led me to an internal dialogue about sympathy versus empathy, and how I really struggle when I think people aren't carefully distinguishing between the two.
I believe very firmly that, in order to stay on a healing path, you need to allow people to love you how they see fit. I've had this same discussion with so many friends struggling with their own losses and sorrows, even unrelated to IF. It's a pretty hard thing to do when the last thing you need is yet another "I'm so sorry" but part of opening your heart to change - good, healthy change - is understanding you can't control how people support you. You can't dictate the way someone feels comfortable loving you. You can only choose to embrace it knowing their intent, or ignore it if you feel it's disingenuous.
That all being said, I do put some onus on my friends to remember when they should offer sympathy and when they are capable of displaying empathy. It's a small but really important distinction and if you are sitting here wondering exactly what the difference is, I suggest you do a little research. It could really mean a world of difference to someone experiencing something painful, and it doesn't take much on your part.
The commercial made my skin crawl because you don't get the right to relate to IF just because you know someone who has been through it. And you certainly don't get to use that as a sales pitch without making some people think your marketing department is full of assholes.
I guess I am more susceptible to insensitivity than I previously thought. In this instance, I'm totally OK with that.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I surprised myself
I haven't had a haircut since my first miscarriage. Partly because I didn't want to go back to the stylist I love so much, who -- the last time I saw her -- was excitedly talking about the joys of having 2 babies, and have to explain anything about what my life has been like over the last year. Mostly because I am busy and lazy all wrapped in to one person who can't make enough time for an hour long salon appointment.
Well I mentioned to D that I was thinking about getting a cut and he encouraged me to go. My normal stylist wasn't available so I decided to go with someone else, figuring it was just a trim and couldn't possibly go that horribly.
Well, I was wrong about the hair (mushroom hair!).
But this post isn't about the hair. The stylist did the usual "new hair client" banter of "where are you from?" and "are you married?" and within minutes of telling her all about A, I knew the inevitable "do you want any more?" was coming.
And it did.
And I didn't cry.
I felt my stomach start to tense as soon as the words left her mouth but something inside me was able to answer with a calm "we are working on it -- but yes, we want more....Desperately." And with a small forced smile, I knew in my heart that, even though she had no clue how powerful a question it was, and even though she (being a young mom of four kids) may not have thought twice about what sort of cold response I could have given, the intention isn't what hurts when people ask the question. It's knowing the answer isn't as simple as "Yes. We do."
But I didn't respond poorly and I was able to separate a harmless conversation from my inner turmoil, and I was proud of myself for being strong enough to not project my hurt under the guise of standing up against insensitivity. She may have been insensitive but she wasn't mean spirited by any stretch, and really, isn't that what really matters?
Either way, I didn't cry.
Well I mentioned to D that I was thinking about getting a cut and he encouraged me to go. My normal stylist wasn't available so I decided to go with someone else, figuring it was just a trim and couldn't possibly go that horribly.
Well, I was wrong about the hair (mushroom hair!).
But this post isn't about the hair. The stylist did the usual "new hair client" banter of "where are you from?" and "are you married?" and within minutes of telling her all about A, I knew the inevitable "do you want any more?" was coming.
And it did.
And I didn't cry.
I felt my stomach start to tense as soon as the words left her mouth but something inside me was able to answer with a calm "we are working on it -- but yes, we want more....Desperately." And with a small forced smile, I knew in my heart that, even though she had no clue how powerful a question it was, and even though she (being a young mom of four kids) may not have thought twice about what sort of cold response I could have given, the intention isn't what hurts when people ask the question. It's knowing the answer isn't as simple as "Yes. We do."
But I didn't respond poorly and I was able to separate a harmless conversation from my inner turmoil, and I was proud of myself for being strong enough to not project my hurt under the guise of standing up against insensitivity. She may have been insensitive but she wasn't mean spirited by any stretch, and really, isn't that what really matters?
Either way, I didn't cry.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Uncomfortable
I have 4 blog posts that I don't have the guts to actually post.
I'm afraid I complain too much. I'm afraid I'll alienate even more people. I'm afraid that my bitterness has reached a new level. I'm afraid that it's defining me. I'm afraid of what people will think.
Sometimes the fear of what this is all doing to me is worse than the fear of never having another child. I'm uncomfortable in this new skin I've been forced in to. I don't know how to have real discussions with people about this. People who care enough to ask, all get a stock answer about how I'm "doing ok" or "surprisingly at peace."
I question everyone's sincerity and I've become even more cynical than I already was. I can't help but assume that people ask how I'm doing, not because they actually want to know, but because it's what you do. When someone is sick. When someone is going through something hard. When you don't know what else to say that conveys your concern or understanding.
So we do this dance where you care, and I don't open up, and you can probably tell I'm being dishonest, and I pretend that I have it in me to talk about this. Yet again.
I'm afraid I complain too much. I'm afraid I'll alienate even more people. I'm afraid that my bitterness has reached a new level. I'm afraid that it's defining me. I'm afraid of what people will think.
Sometimes the fear of what this is all doing to me is worse than the fear of never having another child. I'm uncomfortable in this new skin I've been forced in to. I don't know how to have real discussions with people about this. People who care enough to ask, all get a stock answer about how I'm "doing ok" or "surprisingly at peace."
I question everyone's sincerity and I've become even more cynical than I already was. I can't help but assume that people ask how I'm doing, not because they actually want to know, but because it's what you do. When someone is sick. When someone is going through something hard. When you don't know what else to say that conveys your concern or understanding.
So we do this dance where you care, and I don't open up, and you can probably tell I'm being dishonest, and I pretend that I have it in me to talk about this. Yet again.
Monday, May 16, 2011
My best friend's a doctor
D and I drove up to Connecticut for my friend's dental school graduation this past weekend. We were there less than 24 hours but it was nice to get away just the two of us and be able to support J as she finalized one of the greatest accomplishments of her life.
She's been through a hell of a year and without going in to too much detail, her getting her D.M.D. seemed, at times, nothing short of a miracle (obviously coupled with her insane work ethic, innate brilliance and overall awesomeness).
As her class of newly appointed Physicians and Dentists left the auditorium, grins plastered across their faces, it signified more than just the completion of medical and dental school for J. It was the beginning of her new life. Something she'd worked a hell of a lot harder for than most of the other graduates.
She scooped up her gorgeous 2 year old daughter, and with her head held high, marched out to her future.
She doesn't know this, but J is one of the most inspirational people in my life. It's nearly impossible for me to feel sorry for myself when I'm around her. She's hilarious and loving and soft spoken and strong all at once. She has fought back, quite literally, against adversity that no woman should have to face, and she's won. She's been the kind of parent to her daughter that we should all be so lucky to be. She's completed a program of study that over a thousand applicant are turned away from, year after year. There have been times she probably didn't even know how she was going to take her next breath, but somehow, she did.
I wouldn't normally encourage using your friend's tough times to make yourself feel better, and that's not exactly what I'm doing, but it definitely makes me realize my life doesn't end when things get hard. I see her accomplishments as motivation to keep going -- in whatever it is you are doing, whatever you are fighting for. You can do it. There's always a way. It might not be the way you'd envisioned or the easy way that seems to come for so many others, but it's there and it's yours to take. If you fight hard enough.
So basically, thank you J, for being the kind of friend that amazes me and loves me at the same time.
Congratulations bahahfahf! I'm so proud of you!
She's been through a hell of a year and without going in to too much detail, her getting her D.M.D. seemed, at times, nothing short of a miracle (obviously coupled with her insane work ethic, innate brilliance and overall awesomeness).
As her class of newly appointed Physicians and Dentists left the auditorium, grins plastered across their faces, it signified more than just the completion of medical and dental school for J. It was the beginning of her new life. Something she'd worked a hell of a lot harder for than most of the other graduates.
She scooped up her gorgeous 2 year old daughter, and with her head held high, marched out to her future.
She doesn't know this, but J is one of the most inspirational people in my life. It's nearly impossible for me to feel sorry for myself when I'm around her. She's hilarious and loving and soft spoken and strong all at once. She has fought back, quite literally, against adversity that no woman should have to face, and she's won. She's been the kind of parent to her daughter that we should all be so lucky to be. She's completed a program of study that over a thousand applicant are turned away from, year after year. There have been times she probably didn't even know how she was going to take her next breath, but somehow, she did.
I wouldn't normally encourage using your friend's tough times to make yourself feel better, and that's not exactly what I'm doing, but it definitely makes me realize my life doesn't end when things get hard. I see her accomplishments as motivation to keep going -- in whatever it is you are doing, whatever you are fighting for. You can do it. There's always a way. It might not be the way you'd envisioned or the easy way that seems to come for so many others, but it's there and it's yours to take. If you fight hard enough.
So basically, thank you J, for being the kind of friend that amazes me and loves me at the same time.
Congratulations bahahfahf! I'm so proud of you!
The vitamins
I said I'd dedicate another post wholly to the vitamin supplements I've started taking. I need to start this off by saying, I am not a doctor (by any stretch of the imagination), my research has all been done online (I'm not looking to get this plan published or signed off on by a medical team), and I would advise you discuss this with your physician or RE prior to starting the supplements (I didn't, but I'm crazy like that).
I picked apart some retail "fertility enhancing" products and these are the components that seem to be come up over and over:
Coenzyme Q10 (100mg): Antioxidant. Protects against free radicals.
Maca Root (500mg): Works on the endocrine system and helps stabilize hormone levels, promote egg health and help lower FSH levels. I've seen this one referred to as "fertility superfood" on more than one occassion.
L-arginine (500mg): Helps in the metabolism of proteins and sugars. Promotes circulatory and cardiovascular health. Speeds healing time in bones and muscles. Has been shown to increase ovarian response and promote the secretion of cervical fluid.
I've also added the following to my vitamin regimen based on the benefits I've read about in regards to IVF and general reproductive health:
Royal Jelly (1,000mg): Bees feed it to the queen to stimulate ovarian response. If you didn't already think I was crazy, you do now. I'm ok with that.
Pomegranate (250mg 3 times a day): To help build uterine lining to optimize implantation when the time comes. I only take this after ovulation and I stop as soon as my period arrives.
Grapeseed Extract (60mg): Another antioxidant.
Spirulina (500mg): Superfood algae - much like wheatgrass.
I've continued taking my prenatal vitamin as well as an additional 200mg of Folic Acid a day.
Just this week D and I started growing our own wheatgrass that we'll incorporate into smoothies. Spirulina tastes bad enough and that's just a pill. No way am I doing a shot of wheatgrass, straight up, on top of that.
I don't think there is any way for me to know what the reproductive benefits might actually be, but I feel better so we'll go with it for now. Plus, I obviously spent a small fortune on what now takes up an entire shelf in my medicine cabinet, so I'm kind of committed at this point.
My friend M suggested I get one of those Days of the Week pill dispensers. She thinks I'm 85. Which I pretty much am.
I picked apart some retail "fertility enhancing" products and these are the components that seem to be come up over and over:
Coenzyme Q10 (100mg): Antioxidant. Protects against free radicals.
Maca Root (500mg): Works on the endocrine system and helps stabilize hormone levels, promote egg health and help lower FSH levels. I've seen this one referred to as "fertility superfood" on more than one occassion.
L-arginine (500mg): Helps in the metabolism of proteins and sugars. Promotes circulatory and cardiovascular health. Speeds healing time in bones and muscles. Has been shown to increase ovarian response and promote the secretion of cervical fluid.
I've also added the following to my vitamin regimen based on the benefits I've read about in regards to IVF and general reproductive health:
Royal Jelly (1,000mg): Bees feed it to the queen to stimulate ovarian response. If you didn't already think I was crazy, you do now. I'm ok with that.
Pomegranate (250mg 3 times a day): To help build uterine lining to optimize implantation when the time comes. I only take this after ovulation and I stop as soon as my period arrives.
Grapeseed Extract (60mg): Another antioxidant.
Spirulina (500mg): Superfood algae - much like wheatgrass.
I've continued taking my prenatal vitamin as well as an additional 200mg of Folic Acid a day.
Just this week D and I started growing our own wheatgrass that we'll incorporate into smoothies. Spirulina tastes bad enough and that's just a pill. No way am I doing a shot of wheatgrass, straight up, on top of that.
I don't think there is any way for me to know what the reproductive benefits might actually be, but I feel better so we'll go with it for now. Plus, I obviously spent a small fortune on what now takes up an entire shelf in my medicine cabinet, so I'm kind of committed at this point.
My friend M suggested I get one of those Days of the Week pill dispensers. She thinks I'm 85. Which I pretty much am.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Yesterday was Mother's Day
And it was bittersweet.
I've been blessed in more ways that I can count when it comes to A. She's always been a great sleeper, She's one of the healthiest kids I know, and she's just an amazing little girl. I'm lucky to be her mother and I thank God for her every single day.
2009 was my first Mother's Day and I was beaming with pride as my husband gave me a card and flowers from our little peanut. I was filled with joy and it was all because of my daughter.
Mother's Day 2010 was just a couple of months after my first miscarriage and it was hard. I was "ok" for the most part and did my duty by traveling around to each Mom, Mother-in-Law and Grandmother's house for the obligatory holiday visits. But a piece was missing. A little bit of my heart was taken away when I had my first miscarriage and as we celebrated with family members (many of which had 2, 3, 4 children), I felt like I was being punished. Why was I the one having to endure that? Why did everyone else get to enjoy their Mother's Day while I silently cried over what had been taken away from me? What did my daughter do to deserve a mother who couldn't be fulfilled by just her? Why did my husband have to pick up the pieces of an epic meltdown after a long day of smiling for everyone else? We didn't deserve any of it.
Naturally, I was having anxiety about what Mother's Day would hold for me this year. Emotionally, I knew I wouldn't be able to spend the day driving to each house and putting on the act of being just OHSOEXCITED for everyone else. I didn't care that it was my friend's first Mother's Day. I didn't care that my cousin was a new mommy-to-be this year. I didn't care to visit our moms and shower them with flowers and gifts and be thankful for everything they've done for us. I just didn't. Of course I couldn't tell them that, and I had hoped they would infer on their own (knowing our history) why we were choosing to stay home this year. They may have, but it didn't stop the disappointed sigh that inevitably came when we told them we wouldn't be visiting this year.
So we stayed home and ate breakfast in bed and watched cartoons and snuggled and opened gifts A made at daycare and snuggled some more and just savored it.
On Mother's Day, no one acknowledges the moms who have lost their babies. They just get thrown back in the not-a-mom category with everyone else. I can't even imagine that pain. I'm lucky enough to have A to shield me from the ignorant, hurtful exclusion that typically comes from people who are none the wiser.
So even though my heart is still broken about what Mother's Day 2011 should have been, I realized I have more to be grateful for than most. I know the pain of loss but I have a beautiful little girl who reminds me daily that miracles do happen and I can't ever take that for granted.
I've been blessed in more ways that I can count when it comes to A. She's always been a great sleeper, She's one of the healthiest kids I know, and she's just an amazing little girl. I'm lucky to be her mother and I thank God for her every single day.
2009 was my first Mother's Day and I was beaming with pride as my husband gave me a card and flowers from our little peanut. I was filled with joy and it was all because of my daughter.
Mother's Day 2010 was just a couple of months after my first miscarriage and it was hard. I was "ok" for the most part and did my duty by traveling around to each Mom, Mother-in-Law and Grandmother's house for the obligatory holiday visits. But a piece was missing. A little bit of my heart was taken away when I had my first miscarriage and as we celebrated with family members (many of which had 2, 3, 4 children), I felt like I was being punished. Why was I the one having to endure that? Why did everyone else get to enjoy their Mother's Day while I silently cried over what had been taken away from me? What did my daughter do to deserve a mother who couldn't be fulfilled by just her? Why did my husband have to pick up the pieces of an epic meltdown after a long day of smiling for everyone else? We didn't deserve any of it.
Naturally, I was having anxiety about what Mother's Day would hold for me this year. Emotionally, I knew I wouldn't be able to spend the day driving to each house and putting on the act of being just OHSOEXCITED for everyone else. I didn't care that it was my friend's first Mother's Day. I didn't care that my cousin was a new mommy-to-be this year. I didn't care to visit our moms and shower them with flowers and gifts and be thankful for everything they've done for us. I just didn't. Of course I couldn't tell them that, and I had hoped they would infer on their own (knowing our history) why we were choosing to stay home this year. They may have, but it didn't stop the disappointed sigh that inevitably came when we told them we wouldn't be visiting this year.
So we stayed home and ate breakfast in bed and watched cartoons and snuggled and opened gifts A made at daycare and snuggled some more and just savored it.
On Mother's Day, no one acknowledges the moms who have lost their babies. They just get thrown back in the not-a-mom category with everyone else. I can't even imagine that pain. I'm lucky enough to have A to shield me from the ignorant, hurtful exclusion that typically comes from people who are none the wiser.
So even though my heart is still broken about what Mother's Day 2011 should have been, I realized I have more to be grateful for than most. I know the pain of loss but I have a beautiful little girl who reminds me daily that miracles do happen and I can't ever take that for granted.
Friday, May 6, 2011
I still think you're fat
If there's one thing I am, it's hilarious. Ask me, I'll tell you. I'm also very humble. Clearly.
Even in the midst of all the heaviness, I can't ever deny my propensity for making fun of my friends and usually creating extremely awkward situations when faced with discussing pregnancy.
So while I might be crying 70% of the time, the other 30% I'm having conversations like these....
Hugely Pregnant Friend: Why does your face have to get fat when you're pregnant? I hate it!
Me: Why did you just qualify your fat face with your pregnancy?
HPF: STFU LOL
Me: Seriously.
AWKWARD (texting) SILENCE.
Newly First Time Pregnant Friend: The morning sickness is the worst.
Me: I'm pretty sure the ring of fire is actually the worst.
NFTPF: The what?
Me: You'll see.
Non-pregnant Friend with IF: This technically enhanced babymaking stuff is such bullshit.
Me: Total bullshit.
NPFWIF: Is there anything more bullshitty that being dildocammed in one room while your husband hands over a little cup of sperm to a stranger in another?
Me: Probably the only thing more bullshitty than that is having a husband who ISN'T required to be humiliated with you.
NPFWIF: Yeah your husband really left you out to dry on that one.
Even in the midst of all the heaviness, I can't ever deny my propensity for making fun of my friends and usually creating extremely awkward situations when faced with discussing pregnancy.
So while I might be crying 70% of the time, the other 30% I'm having conversations like these....
Hugely Pregnant Friend: Why does your face have to get fat when you're pregnant? I hate it!
Me: Why did you just qualify your fat face with your pregnancy?
HPF: STFU LOL
Me: Seriously.
AWKWARD (texting) SILENCE.
Newly First Time Pregnant Friend: The morning sickness is the worst.
Me: I'm pretty sure the ring of fire is actually the worst.
NFTPF: The what?
Me: You'll see.
Non-pregnant Friend with IF: This technically enhanced babymaking stuff is such bullshit.
Me: Total bullshit.
NPFWIF: Is there anything more bullshitty that being dildocammed in one room while your husband hands over a little cup of sperm to a stranger in another?
Me: Probably the only thing more bullshitty than that is having a husband who ISN'T required to be humiliated with you.
NPFWIF: Yeah your husband really left you out to dry on that one.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Jealous
Today the jealousy is the hardest part.
I'm jealous of every single pregnant woman I see. I'm jealous of my overabundance of friends who are newly pregnant, about to pop, or have recently welcomed new little babies in to their families. I'm jealous of women who are just now starting to TTC their first or second and won't have any trouble at all. I'm jealous of their blissful ignorance.
That was all supposed to be my life. At multiple different points last year, I should have been experiencing all those things instead of pining over them.
I feel left behind.
I never could have anticipated what a vastly different direction my life would go in because of all this. In May 2009, so many of my friends were at the exact same place in life. We had all given birth to our first babies just a few months before. We were chatting over baby smiles, discussions about breastfeeding and sleep schedules, and bonding over our new found mommyhood. Two years later, I couldn't have less in common with most of my friends. It's alienating and it takes more away from you than the obvious. It takes away how I relate to those I hold dearest. Those same friends have now had a second, even third, child and they don't understand me and I can't bear to look at them.
So they secretly call me jealous and think I'm too consumed by this and it goes from being pathetic to unhealthy to tolerable, and I not-so-secretly know they are mostly right.
I'm jealous of every single pregnant woman I see. I'm jealous of my overabundance of friends who are newly pregnant, about to pop, or have recently welcomed new little babies in to their families. I'm jealous of women who are just now starting to TTC their first or second and won't have any trouble at all. I'm jealous of their blissful ignorance.
That was all supposed to be my life. At multiple different points last year, I should have been experiencing all those things instead of pining over them.
I feel left behind.
I never could have anticipated what a vastly different direction my life would go in because of all this. In May 2009, so many of my friends were at the exact same place in life. We had all given birth to our first babies just a few months before. We were chatting over baby smiles, discussions about breastfeeding and sleep schedules, and bonding over our new found mommyhood. Two years later, I couldn't have less in common with most of my friends. It's alienating and it takes more away from you than the obvious. It takes away how I relate to those I hold dearest. Those same friends have now had a second, even third, child and they don't understand me and I can't bear to look at them.
So they secretly call me jealous and think I'm too consumed by this and it goes from being pathetic to unhealthy to tolerable, and I not-so-secretly know they are mostly right.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Nothing tastes as good as pregnant feels
I started a super crunchy, super holistic "diet" on Sunday. In theory, it's meant to help with fertility. The idea behind it is that a woman's eggs are fragile and, thus, highly affected by their environment. If toxins can create unhealthy eggs, there's a school of thought that says the opposite should hold true -- the cleansing of toxins can help promote more healthy eggs.
It's not science, and I'm pretty sure my RE would smile politely (in a total "bless your heart" sort of way) and then explain to me how ridiculous it is, but I don't care. The bottom line is, it can't HURT and that's kind of all I'm shooting for at this point.
So phase 1 was cleaning up my actual diet. I went grocery shopping and for the first time, like...um...ever?, I didn't buy a single pre-made or highly shelf stable food item (except for quinoa which I'll get in to in a minute). It was the most expensive grocery trip in the history of grocery trips but I came home with tons of fresh fruit and vegetables, free range antibiotic free chicken, Greek yogurt, organic eggs, and basically just a whole lot of whole foods.
One tenant I came across over and over in my research was that protein is HUGELY important to egg growth and quality. I scoured my diet to find that, outside of the typical "dinner meat" and my obsession with Greek yogurt, I was actually pretty lacking in the protein department. Cue the entrance of quinoa. I actually introduced this gluten free staple to our rotation when my husband started The Paleo Diet last year, but didn't think too much of it other than "oh yay! a replacement for rice!" Turns out, quinoa is high in protein. WIN. So I've essentially replaced all rice and pasta products with Quinoa. Doesn't work every single time (Carbonara Quinoa? no dice ladies and gents), but it's a pretty stellar competitor.
I needed to get more antioxidants in my life. Research is split on this since commonly consumed products like green tea that are high in antioxidants, also contain some caffeine or tannins that maybe aren't favorable for this. Some experts say too much is counterproductive to TTC, others say that, in the right proportions and from the right sources, it's a good thing. So I'm munching on red bell peppers, eating pomegranate everything and pretty much ODing on blueberries. And that's just to name a few of the items I'm currently keeping on hand.
I also switched back to full fat, organic dairy. Going along with the whole food mentality, full fat is the way to go. I'm not trying to lose weight from this, so I'm totally ok with full fat cheeses and yogurt. Milk is another story. I cannot do whole milk. No, ew, I can't. So 1% is good enough for what I need it for and then I use whole in cooking and baking (yum).
A few basics for my day:
Eat MUFAs (mono unsaturated fatty acids) and dark greens, in some form, everyday. So I eat avocado or nuts, plus spinach at every meal. Breakfast is about to get really interesting when omelets lose their luster.
Drink more water than you think is humanly possible. Yes. And then subsequently spend the rest of the day peeing it out.
Make every meal fiber heavy. This *feels* difficult since I'm not eating sugars and extraneous grains because so many fiber enriched items can be carb heavy. The one plus side to this? Fiber cancels out carbohydrate, in an almost equal proportion (favoring carbs...of course...little bitches). I don't feel it's an even trade when there are tons of other options for fiber, but it's something.
There's also a vitamin regimen that could warrant a whole new post, so I'll save that for another day.
And now for the "DO NOT" list....
I've given up refined sugars as best I can. I refuse to stress myself out further by investigating every ingredient of every.single.thing I eat. The things I prepare don't have refined sugar in them and I steer clear of menu items that *seem* to be sugar laden. I've successfully replaced white sugar with Truvia, real maple syrup and agave nectar in the past and I think I can do it again.
No more alcohol. Well. Yeah. This one is going to be a really relaxed rule because let's face it? I need my wine. End of story.
No more caffeine. It huuuurt to do that Sunday, Monday and today but I'm still alive.
So that's the gist of the diet. And since an egg's life cycle is about 90 days to maturation, I had to start immediately for even the hope of a positive effect. I know pomegranate won't save a baby, and I know giving up sugar won't promise a pregnancy that sticks, but I have to do every single thing humanly possible to HELP. That's all I can do.
It's not science, and I'm pretty sure my RE would smile politely (in a total "bless your heart" sort of way) and then explain to me how ridiculous it is, but I don't care. The bottom line is, it can't HURT and that's kind of all I'm shooting for at this point.
So phase 1 was cleaning up my actual diet. I went grocery shopping and for the first time, like...um...ever?, I didn't buy a single pre-made or highly shelf stable food item (except for quinoa which I'll get in to in a minute). It was the most expensive grocery trip in the history of grocery trips but I came home with tons of fresh fruit and vegetables, free range antibiotic free chicken, Greek yogurt, organic eggs, and basically just a whole lot of whole foods.
One tenant I came across over and over in my research was that protein is HUGELY important to egg growth and quality. I scoured my diet to find that, outside of the typical "dinner meat" and my obsession with Greek yogurt, I was actually pretty lacking in the protein department. Cue the entrance of quinoa. I actually introduced this gluten free staple to our rotation when my husband started The Paleo Diet last year, but didn't think too much of it other than "oh yay! a replacement for rice!" Turns out, quinoa is high in protein. WIN. So I've essentially replaced all rice and pasta products with Quinoa. Doesn't work every single time (Carbonara Quinoa? no dice ladies and gents), but it's a pretty stellar competitor.
I needed to get more antioxidants in my life. Research is split on this since commonly consumed products like green tea that are high in antioxidants, also contain some caffeine or tannins that maybe aren't favorable for this. Some experts say too much is counterproductive to TTC, others say that, in the right proportions and from the right sources, it's a good thing. So I'm munching on red bell peppers, eating pomegranate everything and pretty much ODing on blueberries. And that's just to name a few of the items I'm currently keeping on hand.
I also switched back to full fat, organic dairy. Going along with the whole food mentality, full fat is the way to go. I'm not trying to lose weight from this, so I'm totally ok with full fat cheeses and yogurt. Milk is another story. I cannot do whole milk. No, ew, I can't. So 1% is good enough for what I need it for and then I use whole in cooking and baking (yum).
A few basics for my day:
Eat MUFAs (mono unsaturated fatty acids) and dark greens, in some form, everyday. So I eat avocado or nuts, plus spinach at every meal. Breakfast is about to get really interesting when omelets lose their luster.
Drink more water than you think is humanly possible. Yes. And then subsequently spend the rest of the day peeing it out.
Make every meal fiber heavy. This *feels* difficult since I'm not eating sugars and extraneous grains because so many fiber enriched items can be carb heavy. The one plus side to this? Fiber cancels out carbohydrate, in an almost equal proportion (favoring carbs...of course...little bitches). I don't feel it's an even trade when there are tons of other options for fiber, but it's something.
There's also a vitamin regimen that could warrant a whole new post, so I'll save that for another day.
And now for the "DO NOT" list....
I've given up refined sugars as best I can. I refuse to stress myself out further by investigating every ingredient of every.single.thing I eat. The things I prepare don't have refined sugar in them and I steer clear of menu items that *seem* to be sugar laden. I've successfully replaced white sugar with Truvia, real maple syrup and agave nectar in the past and I think I can do it again.
No more alcohol. Well. Yeah. This one is going to be a really relaxed rule because let's face it? I need my wine. End of story.
No more caffeine. It huuuurt to do that Sunday, Monday and today but I'm still alive.
So that's the gist of the diet. And since an egg's life cycle is about 90 days to maturation, I had to start immediately for even the hope of a positive effect. I know pomegranate won't save a baby, and I know giving up sugar won't promise a pregnancy that sticks, but I have to do every single thing humanly possible to HELP. That's all I can do.
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