Yesterday was Mother's Day

And it was bittersweet.

I've been blessed in more ways that I can count when it comes to A. She's always been a great sleeper, She's one of the healthiest kids I know, and she's just an amazing little girl. I'm lucky to be her mother and I thank God for her every single day.

2009 was my first Mother's Day and  I was beaming with pride as my husband gave me a card and flowers from our little peanut. I was filled with joy and it was all because of my daughter.

Mother's Day 2010 was just a couple of months after my first miscarriage and it was hard. I was "ok" for the most part and did my duty by traveling around to each Mom, Mother-in-Law and Grandmother's house for the obligatory holiday visits. But a piece was missing. A little bit of my heart was taken away when I had my first miscarriage and as we celebrated with family members (many of which had 2, 3, 4 children), I felt like I was being punished. Why was I the one having to endure that? Why did everyone else get to enjoy their Mother's Day while I silently cried over what had been taken away from me? What did my daughter do to deserve a mother who couldn't be fulfilled by just her? Why did my husband have to pick up the pieces of an epic meltdown after a long day of smiling for everyone else? We didn't deserve any of it.

Naturally, I was having anxiety about what Mother's Day would hold for me this year. Emotionally, I knew I wouldn't be able to spend the day driving to each house and putting on the act of being just OHSOEXCITED for everyone else. I didn't care that it was my friend's first Mother's Day. I didn't care that my cousin was a new mommy-to-be this year. I didn't care to visit our moms and shower them with flowers and gifts and be thankful for everything they've done for us. I just didn't. Of course I couldn't tell them that, and I had hoped they would infer on their own (knowing our history) why we were choosing to stay home this year. They may have, but it didn't stop the disappointed sigh that inevitably came when we told them we wouldn't be visiting this year.

So we stayed home and ate breakfast in bed and watched cartoons and snuggled and opened gifts A made at daycare and snuggled some more and just savored it.

On Mother's Day, no one acknowledges the moms who have lost their babies. They just get thrown back in the not-a-mom category with everyone else. I can't even imagine that pain. I'm lucky enough to have A to shield me from the ignorant, hurtful exclusion that typically comes from people who are none the wiser.

So even though my heart is still broken about what Mother's Day 2011 should have been, I realized I have more to be grateful for than most. I know the pain of loss but I have a beautiful little girl who reminds me daily that miracles do happen and I can't ever take that for granted.