It feels like a hole

I probably get asked "when are you giving A a sibling?" on a weekly basis.

At first, I'd laugh it off and casually re-direct the conversation because, while it was only a slightly presumptuous question, it was still something we were working on and didn't have an answer to. Now the question can send me in to a tailspin where I say inappropriate things or cause an incredibly awkward silence because at this point, I don't even know how to respond. At all.

After my first miscarriage, the pain of having to "un-tell" family and friends was a sadness I'd never felt before. While I was trying to make sense of what had happened, and grieve the loss of our baby, I was getting excited calls and emails asking about a due date, giving congratulations and generally just receiving lots of happiness from unaware loved ones. Just when I thought it couldn't hurt more, I'd be reminded of another excited friend who had heard the news, and I'd have to tell her what happened.

I feel pretty confident saying that the grief of miscarriage and infertility is unlike any other grief in that time doesn't heal the wounds. Not even a little bit. Quite the opposite. The more time that passes, the more painful it becomes. That hole in your heart that started off sad and small, grows larger and more ominous with each failed cycle, with each new loss. It doesn't go away, it's not something you even learn to cope with very well because the cause of that hole is still very present and more aggressive than even 2, 6, 13 months ago.

Someone asked me today when we'd be giving A a little brother or sister.
I started crying.