I'm the oldest of 5 siblings. A big family is all I know - and I love it. I love having a sister who is one of my best friends. I love having 3 brothers who all dote on and fawn all over their neice. I love big family dinners, holidays and celebrations. I love knowing that I will always have someone(s) that I love, that loves me, closeby.
My husband comes from a smaller family and while it has its advantages, I still wanted a big family.
In the midst of all of this trouble, we had to come to a point where we decided we couldn't have more than 2 children. Not only because this battle has been the hardest thing either of us has ever faced and the thought of possibly having to go through it again makes us sick, but because we simply can't afford it. Infertility testing and treatment is enormously expensive and we pay for all of it out of pocket. We have already burned through a good chunk of our health care savings and we haven't even started real treatments yet.
Coming to terms with the fact that I'd never have the big family I had always dreamed of, was difficult to say the least. As if the other ongoing struggles weren't consuming enough, as if we hadn't already had enough taken away from us, I was now having my idea of a complete family taken away as well.
As I was driving to work the other day, I had a bit of an epiphany. I only call it that because it felt like a huge weight had been lifted and for the first time, in a long time, I cried happy, relieved tears.
The family I've always wanted, the family that we can't have here, that family is still a reality. Because there are 4 babies waiting in heaven that I get to meet one day. That day might not come for a very long time, and it doesn't erase the pain of losing them, but they aren't gone forever and that makes me feel a little better.
They are definitely not gone, just waiting for you. ((hugs))
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