The elephant in the room

I've been pretty candid about this whole process with my close friends and family. This opens me up to innocent questions, not so innocent judgements, and everything in between. I knew this when I decided to share, and up until now, aside from the occasional back handed compliment (well at least you know you CAN get pregnant!), I've been pretty fortunate to have extremely gentle and loving people around me.

But I realized something this weekend that I hadn't even thought about before.
And now I can't get it out of my mind.

As a new-ish parent, you get accustomed to your parenting decisions being fodder for all types of criticism. From your own mother, your peers, complete strangers, pretty much anyone and everyone. It's par for the course especially for a first time mom. What I wasn't prepared for was the distinct shift those criticisms took once people found out we were TTC, and having trouble to boot.

No one would ever tell a mom of 2 who has just lost her temper with the older child, that she shouldn't have had the second one. That's a completely ridiculous, and actually pretty disgusting, statement.

When I'm in the midst of a battle of wills with my 2 year old, I can feel all eyes on me. Waiting for my reaction. Waiting to see if I raise my voice or loose my cool. And if I do, I can see their face change as they get ready to say something that would be completely inappropriate to say to anyone else.

There's still time to turn back.
See how hard even one is?
If I could do it over...

Are you sure you want another?

So now I can't even parent my child without knowing my IF is permeating every facet of my life. All of my relationships. How people view me. How people pity me.

How can you not let this define you when other people are constantly making that decision for you? I don't get a say in whether or not people use the elephant in the room to color the way they see me.

As if the bars aren't all set fucking high enough.