Sometimes the pap smear isn't the awkward part

I haven't had a well woman exam in about 2 years. I was getting pregnant just often enough that I never even thought to make an appointment for an annual visit. I figured they couldn't possibly get more acquainted with my inner workings until I was reminded that they hadn't done a pap since just after I had A.

So I made my appointment and thought "this will be quick and painless."

Each exam room has a computer for the midwives to pull up your medical records as they are talking to you. It's all very high-tech, what with the Windows 99 and such. As she silently studies my ridiculously detailed and long history, I know this appointment is about to be very different than I expected.

So you are going to Shady Grove?

Panic. How did they know? Was that disdain in her voice? Oh wait. I think I filled that out on my medical records request form. Why do I feel like this is leading in to a conversation I don't want to have?

How is that going?

Silence. *Don't make this awkward, Lauren. She's a medical professional. She's not some nosey person you've just met.* Only, I had just met her and she did seem kind of nosey. OK, answer her. It's not going well - Obviously. It's been rough - Look at your screen, you'll see. We're still trucking along - Sadly.

I only see 2 miscarriages noted on your chart. You said you've had 4 total losses? I want to enter them in here.

You, ma'am, are the slowest typer on the face on the planet. If I have to repeat for a 4th time "I had...a miscarriage....on December 31st 2010" I might shove this weird cervix scrapey thing right up your nose.

That must be so hard.

And you are certainly making it so much easier.

I could transcribe the 46 other questions she asked me about my fertility but, really, who has the time? I didn't and when I realized I had been in that room with her for 40 minutes and she still hadn't examined me, I wanted to get up and go home without so much as changing out of my ill-fitting peek-a-boo gown.

Here are some pointers though, because if a seasoned certified nurse midwife still thinks it's ok to ask these questions, I might as well tell you not to and save you from the inevitable shit show you might create.

1. If a woman is seeing an RE and tells you she has "gone through the entire gamut of testing," don't also ask her if she has seen her ovaries lately. She has. And I bet you haven't. Ever, actually.
2. It's not ever ok to ask "are you sure you will keep trying?" Ever. If someone wants your input on that personal of a decision, they will tell you.
3. "Does the 4th loss even count? Medically?" will put you square in my target area for death stares and under-the-breath expletives. And you'll probably stay there for-like fucking-ever.
4. If you don't know what an HSG is or what Day 3 testing is or why low FSH is good or if a trigger shot makes sense for IUI, that's OK. It really is. What's not OK is belittling the importance of those sorts of things because you don't "put much stock in a lot of treatments for undiagnosed infertility." You don't need to "agree with" or worry about artificial insemination until the day I hold you down with one hand and steady a fucking turkey baster in the other. I'd never do that though because I'm not that invested in your uterus. You are welcome in advance.