Lonely

I've never had more support. I've never had more loving people surrounding me. I've never gotten more emails, texts, cards and phone calls from loved ones checking on me.

Why do I still feel so completely alone?

I recently made the choice to leave one of my TTTC support groups. Not because of anything that happened within the group, but it was time for me to move on from it. I made some really great friends but the environment in which we were created had become stale and toxic and I realized it just wasn't a good place for me anymore.

It took a long while for me to even acknowledge that I fell into the TTTC category. It felt like every time I even thought about it, I was already pregnant again and, in my mind, if I didn't have trouble actually getting pregnant, I had no business seeking out support from women who were really struggling. It felt wrong and misplaced.

So when I got comfortable with this group of women, I felt like I finally had friends who understood. I'll always be grateful to Emily, Kearsta, Jessi, Ali, Christie, Nikki, and all of the other ladies who lifted me up when I could barely catch my breath. There's nothing that can replace that and this post isn't at all meant to belittle that.

One by one, most of the girls got what we'd all been dying for -- a healthy pregnancy. Our numbers dwindled as you'd hope they would in a group like that. Being one of the last women standing did a number on me, emotionally. I know it's not a competition and my own sadness does not take the place of my love and happiness for all of them, but it's a tough thing to face. Being alone again.

So I started to pull back. I wasn't as available. I didn't have it in me to be faced with what I didn't have over and over. I just wasn't strong enough.

Then new women started joining in an effort to revive the spirit of the group. It was an honest attempt to grow our community and remember exactly why we started it in the first place. But it left me feeling resentful. I didn't want to share my group with these new women that I didn't know. I didn't want them to compare their journeys to mine. I didn't want to have to guide and support and love someone new. I didn't even want to still be a part of the group because of what it meant. It meant I still had to face my infertility as my friends were being relieved of (some of) the torture.

Now I've abandoned the women who welcomed me in, in my greatest time of need, because I can't bear to read about BFPs or complaints about not being pregnant after 4 or 5 cycles or posts about moronic REs. I just don't care to help or spit out the words I'm so sorry for the thousandth time. I feel insincere and I hate it.

I think I was most scared of being so bitter. But now I'm wondering if apathy is worse.

And I have to own the fact that while IF has made me lonely, I haven't done myself any favors either.